Poison

Your words are like a slow poison dripping little by little. You almost have him under your spell. Almost, that is, until this weekend. Two days ago he was awakened to a truth.
What was it?
You Lie.
Not just little white lies, but big poisonous lies. Lies that can make or break a family. Forgive and get over it. Don't draw him into your web of poison.
He wants to remain close to his brothers and his family because they are all he has. If you don't stop this, eventually he'll see right through you and it won't be pretty. He already caught a real glimpse of you 2 days ago.
Forgive and get over it. Right now your poison makes you look more like the evil stepmother in Snow White and not the beautiful princess. And I know you're better than that.

Color meaning

Found a fun site that talks about the meanings behind color. So I picked the color green to because apparently it means this:
Green has great healing power. It is the most restful color for the human eye; it can improve vision. Green suggests stability and endurance. Sometimes green denotes lack of experience; for example, a 'greenhorn' is a novice. In heraldry, green indicates growth and hope.
Here's the weblink for anyone interested in reading about it.
http://www.color-wheel-pro.com/color-meaning.html

Be Still

So I'm still learning patience. :) But with every new day/week/month brings new hope. On my way into work today I was listening to the radio and Be Still came on by Storyside:B. I've heard it a million times because they are ALWAYS playing it. This time though, I really listened to the lyrics and it was like He was reminding me today: "Be still and know I'm here."

I remember all the times
The good times and the bad
(some good and some are bad)
I'm still holding on to you
Some days I wanna run
And times I come undone
But I still belong to you
That's how I know that

When I feel like caving in
My heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
Nothing seems at all to add up
Can you hear me Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
It's then you whisper in my ear
Be still and know I'm here

I see a side of you my friend
The same struggles that I have
My heart goes out to you
I know it's hard to feel alone
And this world's so unforgiving
I've been feeling that way too
But I can tell you

When I feel like caving in
My heart my soul is wearing thin
I just want to give up
Nothing seems at all to add up
Can you hear me Lord?
My face is down upon the floor
It's then you whisper in my ear
Be still and know I'm here

Is that you?
Is this me
It's sometimes hard to believe that
I am not alone

It's not just you
And not just me
We all need to believe that
We are not alone

IT is here

Well, IT is finally here. IT arrived yesterday mean, full of vengence, and 6 days late. The pain I'm going through right now has got me almost to the point of tears. Midol is my only saving grace right now. Who knows how long it's magic meds will help me. I haven't had this much pain from IT since I was in junior high, more than 14 years ago. It's almost as if IT is really mad at me and trying to tell me something or "teach me a lesson". I really hate being a girl sometimes.

Vision II

Here’s what I don’t get: After my husband and I had lived in our house for about a year, I had a vision/feeling thing as I was going down our steps to the first floor. (DISCLAIMER: Now I don’t really put a lot of stock in this stuff, but what I saw/felt was VERY strong and VERY vivid.)

As I was coming down the steps of our house, I felt someone push past me. I looked down and saw a girl bounding down the steps with dark wavy hair clipped back on the side and a pink backpack running toward the school bus. She turned around and smiled at me. The moment I saw her I thought “That’s my daughter.” (REMEMBER! This happened almost 2 years ago. So it was almost a year and a half BEFORE the desire to have children really hit me and my husband and I sat down and talked about when to try, how many, etc.)

To the few that I’ve told this story to, they all hypothesized that it was a ghost but I don’t believe it was a ghost for a few reasons. First, she was wearing modern day, 21^st century, clothing and her backpack looked like one of those Dora the Explorer (kids’ educational tv show) backpacks with a character on the back. Second the people who lived in the house before us lived and owned it for over 10 years, had children, and to my knowledge (and the neighbors on our street) never had a child die or had a death in that house. (Trust me I’ve checked.) The house is over 100 years old. And I do know that at least one woman did give birth to her children in that house but that happened over 60 years ago at least. (That’s a historical fact.) However, if one of those children were to have died, I have a really hard time believing that they’ve come back as a ghost aged 5-7 years and wearing modern day clothing.

The only thing that I can liken this experience to is in the third Lord of the Rings movie by Peter Jackson. Arwen is on her way with her Elvin people to the gray ships. While riding her horse she sees a boy run right in front of her and into a man’s arms. The man is her love, Aragon, the father of the boy that ran past her into his arms. When that boy turns around and looks at her, it is then that she realizes she just saw her son.

Okay so I know what you’re thinking. “You’re crazy. It’s a movie. You are obsessing about this way too much.” Fine. So maybe I am. But I know what I saw and I know that when I saw it, it caught me COMPLETELY off guard. I wasn’t thinking about ANYTHING about kids or family when I it happened. Honestly I was thinking to myself be careful so you don’t kill yourself going down the steps. (Our steps are really steep on level and very slippery. I fell down them a few times when we first moved in.)

But it happened. I’ve never forgotten it and often it pops back into my thoughts. Am I supposed to learn something from this? What was the message behind this? What does it mean? Did I really see my daughter? Does it mean I’m probably going to be living in that tiny house for another 7 years plus?

Not everything is as it seems all the time. Maybe what I experienced was nothing. Maybe it was something. I’ve had moments where if someone’s real sick I have a sense or feeling about their outcome through this sickness. Sometimes I’ve been right and sometimes I’ve been wrong. Really there’s a 50/50 chance. But the situations that have occurred where I have felt strongly about what I thought the outcome would be were often the outcome that occurred. I’ve had other moments when I’ve thought or felt nothing over various outcomes. And even more when I’ve been caught completely off guard. I’m not a clairvoyant nor do I ever want to be one. That is a strong, dark magic that can be very dangerous and is against what I believe. I don’t want to know when everything about myself and those around me and when we will experience tragedy, joy, love, heartache before it happens. It’s too much on a person. But I don’t always understand why things like the girl bounding down the steps, or getting a feeling/sense of a particular outcome come to me. Before this summer started I had this feeling come to me that this summer was going to be big. Something was going to happen and it’s going to be big and it’s going to impact me and my family in a big way. Summer’s almost over and nothing big has happened. Everyone has gone on their own way having a regular, run of the mill summer. Nothing has happened that his given me rise to believe that this summer is any different from all the many other summers I’ve experienced. In fact, it’s been one of the fastest, least interesting summers as of yet. I’m still holding some hope out, though. Late August and into September I’m going to be doing some traveling and visiting family. Maybe something will happen there?

Patience

There are times when the pain is almost too much to bear. Sometimes, I’ve even found myself crying and/or getting really depressed when I see kids out with their parents. I try to suppress it. Not think about it and enjoy just being a wife and a married woman without kids to “tie me down”. As of December of this last year it’s become virtually impossible to even attempt accomplishing that feat.

I know that if I really wanted to fight for it and have kids then I could look into IVF or adoption, but I just don’t feel like that is where I should be right now for a few reasons.

First, my husband, although he thinks adoption is a good thing and a healthy alternative for a mother to pick if she doesn’t feel she can take care of the baby, doesn’t want to adopt yet because he wants to father his own children first. Adoption is something that has been casually talked about but only as a possibility after we have our own. When I brought it up as an alternative and adopting right away, he was completely against it. I really honestly think it’s because he’s scared. He says he wants kids and that we can try, but he has also said that he’s scared. In his mind it’s one thing to be a fault for screwing up your own kid, it’s a whole other thing to screw up someone else’s kid who was left in your care. So that’s why he doesn’t want to adopt yet. It’s a silly fear if you ask me but it is a thoughtful and valid concern of his.

IVF, well I don’t think we should go there yet. On one hand yes, we want kids, my heart aches when I look at our empty house. However, we’re both in our late 20’s and working. We haven’t been 100% REALLY over-attempting trying to get pregnant. I haven’t checked my temperature and measured my pee levels and documented them on a calendar so I knew at the exact moment when we should be trying. For me, that’s a little excessive and takes the “let God be God and be in control of this situation” thing right out of his hands. If you think I’m a crazy basket case now, imagine how I would be if I was doing all that. No, it’s not worth it for me right now.

I’ve prayed about it and the only response I’ve really felt I’ve gotten is “Patience.”

But how, how can I continue to be patient when the hurt only gets deeper with every month that goes by?

Alone

So I’ve been a few days late in receiving my monthly girly thing (aka period) which had made me cautiously excited. I promised myself though that I wouldn’t take a test until the end of the week. So today I stopped home in the middle of my workday morning on the way to a church meeting. While I was at home I stopped into the bathroom and thought, “Well I’m 4 days late. Why not? If I am it should show up by now.” So I took it. And….

It was negative. L I knew I shouldn’t have checked b/c nothing good came out of it. It only made me bummed and depressed. I used to be so obsessed sometimes around this time of the month and if it was ONE day late I’d get excited and panicky, question every little mood/symptom and in my extreme moments even go out and get a test and try it. The only time any test I ever bought showed up positive was when my neighbor borrowed it and found out she was pregnant. Any test I’ve ever bought and taken myself has shown up 100% positively negative. When I was constantly obsessing about it got really frustrating and really started to wear me down and get me depressed.

But lately I’ve gotten better about that. I’m trying to trust God more and be more patient, especially after seeing my ob/gyn. (I hadn’t gone to one since my husband and I had gotten married (more than 3 years ago.)) When I finally did see my ob/gyn this past month, and expressed some concerns I had about conceiving, she was able to explain things better to me and dispel some conception myths that I had heard about. All in all I was given a clean bill of health and my mind was set completely at ease. So I’ve tried to make a conscientious attempt at not thinking about it too hard and overanalyzing everything.

But today it was nagging me and I gave in. Stupid.

I just don’t get it. I have always wanted kids. There was a time (a short time) in my marriage where I wasn’t as eager to try to have them but that was understandable. We had just gotten married, never lived together, and had a TINY one bedroom apartment. Even when we bought our first house I wasn’t too eager to have them yet b/c there was so much work to be done to the house to make it livable. Finally this May we decided to stop attempting to prevent pregnancy and just see what happens. So far, nothing has come of it. (For those wondering, I was on The Pill for only one year almost 4 years ago. That means I’ve been pill free for three years.)

I felt about 80% good about my chances of getting pregnant this month but apparently the 20% won out. I know, there’s always next month or the next month, or it’s all in God’s timing. I’ve heard it from others and said it to myself many times. I still don’t understand why it hasn’t happened. Why after almost 8 months of this desire to have children and be a mommy was instilled in me nothing has come of it. Why?

Missing you

So I have a friend who's been overseas for quite some time and our friends, my husband, and I have missed him and hanging out w/him. (He's been gone for almost/little over a year.) You know, that general miss you feeling when a buddy of yours is gone.
The other night I had a dream that he had come back and showed up at my work and surprised me. I was so happy and ecstatic in my dream and it really felt like real life. So when I woke up I was really bummed to find that it was just a dream. :( I sent him an email shortly after that and mentioned the dream but I haven't heard from him since. :( He's supposed to come back sometime in August or Sept maybe. (Last we talked to him he wasn't 100% sure.)
So today for whatever stupid reason, we're all hanging out, our friend is still overseas and I feel a real sense of sadness and loss. :( I really miss him tonight. I think that he's the one guy who can pretty much figure out what I'm thinking 100% of the time. Seriously, it's like he reads my mind. I can't wait until he comes back and I'm seriously uber bummed that he's gone.
He'll get a GIANT hug from me when I see him again. :-D
Miss you buddy.

Good feeling

Had a regular gyno appt yesterday. I really like my doctor and think that this person is an excellent gyno. Unfortunately they don't practice OB anymore but the other people in the office do and everyone in that office seems really nice so YAY! I found a good place to go to for my women stuff. :) The gyno also put me at ease about the whole trying to have a baby, when to try to have one, and possible genetic birth defect issues that are in my family and how to eat better to avoid them. So now I feel calm, happy, and not spazzed out. Everything is normal and she didn't feel anything that would be cause for alarm. Now I wait and next month I will try and we'll see what happens from there. This person MUST be a good doctor that other women trust b/c I had called and made the appt 2 months ago and yesterday was the first opening available to me as a new patient. So now... I'm happy, at least I'm at peace but I think I'm happy too. Hubby and I talked about everything last night and realized that when and if this did happen, our current income will be cut in half and mostly go to bills. But I know God will provide and when and if that time comes I can find another job w/less hours or hopefully be able to negotiate my hours down w/my current job. But that's at least a year away if not more. So for now, I will be content in all things and meditate on Him.

Hannah - Old Testament

I've been feeling like Hannah from the Old Testament lately. No, my husband does not have two wives. :) But I am starting to understand a bit better how Hannah felt being childless. However, she persevered and prayed (so much so, that it is actually written in the Bible). I'm still working on that and the patience thing. :-P At the current moment she and Sarah (Abraham's wife) are my female Biblical role models. Although I really don't want to have to wait until I'm in the 95-100+ age bracket to have kids. :)
If through all this heartache and waiting and praying God finally blesses my husband and I with a child, I already have the names picked out (based on the lives, people, and lessons learned during Hannah and Sarah's life in the Old Testament).

I'm not supposed to be here...

Have you ever been someplace when all of the sudden you see a vision of where you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to be doing that has nothing to do with where you currently are or doing? Confused?
I have and it's usually while I'm at work or getting ready for work. I'll just be doing my thing, minding my own business, when all of the sudden this vision comes to me of what I should be doing and it usually leave me confused, sad and regretful. I've desired to be a mommy for a long time but have not been blessed to have any kids yet. I've found that the more time goes by, the stronger the desire gets. It's now so strong that this (the visions) has started to happen to me. I get a visions of me doing laundry while my kids are playing, or holding my baby or going on a walk w/it and the dog while my honey is gone at work. It's almost like a little voice in my head saying, "You don't belong here. This is what you should be doing. This is what I've called you to do."
Instead of finding any fulfillment in this summer, I've had a growing dissatisfaction that won't go away. It started to really present it's self last fall (2007) and has kept growing as much as I try to suppress it. I'm in the late 20's early 30's age group, so I know I'm not completely running out of time but I definitely am feeling the ticking of the clock.

As a kid I always pictured myself married with kids by now. Before last fall I was fine with waiting, and focusing on my marriage and work. But now, it seems like it's all my body/head can think about. I'm consumed by this desire to be a mommy and it won't go away. At the end of spring, my honey and I had "the talk" and decided to stop trying to prevent from getting pregnant. My husband and I want to have kids, we've always wanted to but he didn't feel ready until this year. We aren't actively trying to prevent pregnancy at all. I haven't been on the pill for over 2 years (I was only on it for one year.) Still no kids.
People around us are having babies but not us. I'm more frustrated and discouraged by this than my husband is. He's the one who has to remind me that God will give us kids in His time and not our time. He's the patient one in the family when it comes to desires of the heart. I am the impatient one. We balance each other out. :)
Still waiting...

Life, Love, and the Pursuit of happiness?

So real quick run down... I exist, I work, I am married, have a pet, own my own home, am a Christian, have a family that loves each other and in-laws I adore. So why this blog?
I wanted someplace where I can just vent on-line w/out having to worry about what I say, or how things will be taken, or misunderstandings turning into rumors.
So this is a place where I can vent, ask for advice/prayers, and not have to worry about who'll find out and tell so and so about what I blogged. TADA.
I got the title from the 3 inalienable rights listed in the Declaration of Independence. Okay so really the Declaration states that America's 3 inalienable rights are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But you know, Love should be in there too! Everyone deserves to be loved.

What's my beef?
Anyone looking at my life would say "Oh you are so blessed" or "Oh you are so lucky to have:" and then they would go on listing things. Yes, I am blessed, yes I do feel lucky, and yes I am happy (most of the time) about my situation in life, but I can't help but think I'm missing out on so much more.
I love my family, my friends, my church, and have a good job and co-workers. However, my satisfaction/sense of being or belonging is with my family and when I can be with my family family and my church family serving them. Right now I can't do it as much as I would like to.
I work long days at my job, come home tired and try to spend the little bit of time left with my husband and pet. My house gets neglected, my garden neglected, and most of the time (although I'm ashamed to say) my church duties neglected.
I'm not feeling very happy right now. I know that one isn't supposed to be happy ALL the time but I believe one should feel at least satisfied most of the time.
Things have been busy this summer, and not everything's gone the way I hoped it would. I've spent too much time trying to run my life and plan my schedules, rather than take a break and spend some time with God. I need to get back to Him. I never really left 100% b/c I still prayed, and listened/sang praise music throughout the day, but haven't actually taken time out to be w/Him one on one and read about what He has to say. I'm putting more stock in what other people tell me and the internet, instead of trusting in Him. So... Right now, I have a life, I have love (and liberty), but not a lot of happiness. :( The thing that I want right now and have wanted ever since I was little seems pretty unattainable. :-( But they'll be more on that later.
So if you stumbled across this blog, I'll try to post more, as things come to me. I hope it won't turn out to be one of those "one post wonders" that ends up on some website someplace. We'll see.
~