Alone

So I’ve been a few days late in receiving my monthly girly thing (aka period) which had made me cautiously excited. I promised myself though that I wouldn’t take a test until the end of the week. So today I stopped home in the middle of my workday morning on the way to a church meeting. While I was at home I stopped into the bathroom and thought, “Well I’m 4 days late. Why not? If I am it should show up by now.” So I took it. And….

It was negative. L I knew I shouldn’t have checked b/c nothing good came out of it. It only made me bummed and depressed. I used to be so obsessed sometimes around this time of the month and if it was ONE day late I’d get excited and panicky, question every little mood/symptom and in my extreme moments even go out and get a test and try it. The only time any test I ever bought showed up positive was when my neighbor borrowed it and found out she was pregnant. Any test I’ve ever bought and taken myself has shown up 100% positively negative. When I was constantly obsessing about it got really frustrating and really started to wear me down and get me depressed.

But lately I’ve gotten better about that. I’m trying to trust God more and be more patient, especially after seeing my ob/gyn. (I hadn’t gone to one since my husband and I had gotten married (more than 3 years ago.)) When I finally did see my ob/gyn this past month, and expressed some concerns I had about conceiving, she was able to explain things better to me and dispel some conception myths that I had heard about. All in all I was given a clean bill of health and my mind was set completely at ease. So I’ve tried to make a conscientious attempt at not thinking about it too hard and overanalyzing everything.

But today it was nagging me and I gave in. Stupid.

I just don’t get it. I have always wanted kids. There was a time (a short time) in my marriage where I wasn’t as eager to try to have them but that was understandable. We had just gotten married, never lived together, and had a TINY one bedroom apartment. Even when we bought our first house I wasn’t too eager to have them yet b/c there was so much work to be done to the house to make it livable. Finally this May we decided to stop attempting to prevent pregnancy and just see what happens. So far, nothing has come of it. (For those wondering, I was on The Pill for only one year almost 4 years ago. That means I’ve been pill free for three years.)

I felt about 80% good about my chances of getting pregnant this month but apparently the 20% won out. I know, there’s always next month or the next month, or it’s all in God’s timing. I’ve heard it from others and said it to myself many times. I still don’t understand why it hasn’t happened. Why after almost 8 months of this desire to have children and be a mommy was instilled in me nothing has come of it. Why?