I've been feeling like Hannah from the Old Testament lately. No, my husband does not have two wives. :) But I am starting to understand a bit better how Hannah felt being childless. However, she persevered and prayed (so much so, that it is actually written in the Bible). I'm still working on that and the patience thing. :-P At the current moment she and Sarah (Abraham's wife) are my female Biblical role models. Although I really don't want to have to wait until I'm in the 95-100+ age bracket to have kids. :)
If through all this heartache and waiting and praying God finally blesses my husband and I with a child, I already have the names picked out (based on the lives, people, and lessons learned during Hannah and Sarah's life in the Old Testament).
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
I'm not supposed to be here...
Have you ever been someplace when all of the sudden you see a vision of where you're supposed to be and what you're supposed to be doing that has nothing to do with where you currently are or doing? Confused?
I have and it's usually while I'm at work or getting ready for work. I'll just be doing my thing, minding my own business, when all of the sudden this vision comes to me of what I should be doing and it usually leave me confused, sad and regretful. I've desired to be a mommy for a long time but have not been blessed to have any kids yet. I've found that the more time goes by, the stronger the desire gets. It's now so strong that this (the visions) has started to happen to me. I get a visions of me doing laundry while my kids are playing, or holding my baby or going on a walk w/it and the dog while my honey is gone at work. It's almost like a little voice in my head saying, "You don't belong here. This is what you should be doing. This is what I've called you to do."
Instead of finding any fulfillment in this summer, I've had a growing dissatisfaction that won't go away. It started to really present it's self last fall (2007) and has kept growing as much as I try to suppress it. I'm in the late 20's early 30's age group, so I know I'm not completely running out of time but I definitely am feeling the ticking of the clock.
As a kid I always pictured myself married with kids by now. Before last fall I was fine with waiting, and focusing on my marriage and work. But now, it seems like it's all my body/head can think about. I'm consumed by this desire to be a mommy and it won't go away. At the end of spring, my honey and I had "the talk" and decided to stop trying to prevent from getting pregnant. My husband and I want to have kids, we've always wanted to but he didn't feel ready until this year. We aren't actively trying to prevent pregnancy at all. I haven't been on the pill for over 2 years (I was only on it for one year.) Still no kids.
People around us are having babies but not us. I'm more frustrated and discouraged by this than my husband is. He's the one who has to remind me that God will give us kids in His time and not our time. He's the patient one in the family when it comes to desires of the heart. I am the impatient one. We balance each other out. :)
Still waiting...
I have and it's usually while I'm at work or getting ready for work. I'll just be doing my thing, minding my own business, when all of the sudden this vision comes to me of what I should be doing and it usually leave me confused, sad and regretful. I've desired to be a mommy for a long time but have not been blessed to have any kids yet. I've found that the more time goes by, the stronger the desire gets. It's now so strong that this (the visions) has started to happen to me. I get a visions of me doing laundry while my kids are playing, or holding my baby or going on a walk w/it and the dog while my honey is gone at work. It's almost like a little voice in my head saying, "You don't belong here. This is what you should be doing. This is what I've called you to do."
Instead of finding any fulfillment in this summer, I've had a growing dissatisfaction that won't go away. It started to really present it's self last fall (2007) and has kept growing as much as I try to suppress it. I'm in the late 20's early 30's age group, so I know I'm not completely running out of time but I definitely am feeling the ticking of the clock.
As a kid I always pictured myself married with kids by now. Before last fall I was fine with waiting, and focusing on my marriage and work. But now, it seems like it's all my body/head can think about. I'm consumed by this desire to be a mommy and it won't go away. At the end of spring, my honey and I had "the talk" and decided to stop trying to prevent from getting pregnant. My husband and I want to have kids, we've always wanted to but he didn't feel ready until this year. We aren't actively trying to prevent pregnancy at all. I haven't been on the pill for over 2 years (I was only on it for one year.) Still no kids.
People around us are having babies but not us. I'm more frustrated and discouraged by this than my husband is. He's the one who has to remind me that God will give us kids in His time and not our time. He's the patient one in the family when it comes to desires of the heart. I am the impatient one. We balance each other out. :)
Still waiting...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Life, Love, and the Pursuit of happiness?
So real quick run down... I exist, I work, I am married, have a pet, own my own home, am a Christian, have a family that loves each other and in-laws I adore. So why this blog?
I wanted someplace where I can just vent on-line w/out having to worry about what I say, or how things will be taken, or misunderstandings turning into rumors.
So this is a place where I can vent, ask for advice/prayers, and not have to worry about who'll find out and tell so and so about what I blogged. TADA.
I got the title from the 3 inalienable rights listed in the Declaration of Independence. Okay so really the Declaration states that America's 3 inalienable rights are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But you know, Love should be in there too! Everyone deserves to be loved.
What's my beef?
Anyone looking at my life would say "Oh you are so blessed" or "Oh you are so lucky to have:" and then they would go on listing things. Yes, I am blessed, yes I do feel lucky, and yes I am happy (most of the time) about my situation in life, but I can't help but think I'm missing out on so much more.
I love my family, my friends, my church, and have a good job and co-workers. However, my satisfaction/sense of being or belonging is with my family and when I can be with my family family and my church family serving them. Right now I can't do it as much as I would like to.
I work long days at my job, come home tired and try to spend the little bit of time left with my husband and pet. My house gets neglected, my garden neglected, and most of the time (although I'm ashamed to say) my church duties neglected.
I'm not feeling very happy right now. I know that one isn't supposed to be happy ALL the time but I believe one should feel at least satisfied most of the time.
Things have been busy this summer, and not everything's gone the way I hoped it would. I've spent too much time trying to run my life and plan my schedules, rather than take a break and spend some time with God. I need to get back to Him. I never really left 100% b/c I still prayed, and listened/sang praise music throughout the day, but haven't actually taken time out to be w/Him one on one and read about what He has to say. I'm putting more stock in what other people tell me and the internet, instead of trusting in Him. So... Right now, I have a life, I have love (and liberty), but not a lot of happiness. :( The thing that I want right now and have wanted ever since I was little seems pretty unattainable. :-( But they'll be more on that later.
So if you stumbled across this blog, I'll try to post more, as things come to me. I hope it won't turn out to be one of those "one post wonders" that ends up on some website someplace. We'll see.
~
I wanted someplace where I can just vent on-line w/out having to worry about what I say, or how things will be taken, or misunderstandings turning into rumors.
So this is a place where I can vent, ask for advice/prayers, and not have to worry about who'll find out and tell so and so about what I blogged. TADA.
I got the title from the 3 inalienable rights listed in the Declaration of Independence. Okay so really the Declaration states that America's 3 inalienable rights are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. But you know, Love should be in there too! Everyone deserves to be loved.
What's my beef?
Anyone looking at my life would say "Oh you are so blessed" or "Oh you are so lucky to have:" and then they would go on listing things. Yes, I am blessed, yes I do feel lucky, and yes I am happy (most of the time) about my situation in life, but I can't help but think I'm missing out on so much more.
I love my family, my friends, my church, and have a good job and co-workers. However, my satisfaction/sense of being or belonging is with my family and when I can be with my family family and my church family serving them. Right now I can't do it as much as I would like to.
I work long days at my job, come home tired and try to spend the little bit of time left with my husband and pet. My house gets neglected, my garden neglected, and most of the time (although I'm ashamed to say) my church duties neglected.
I'm not feeling very happy right now. I know that one isn't supposed to be happy ALL the time but I believe one should feel at least satisfied most of the time.
Things have been busy this summer, and not everything's gone the way I hoped it would. I've spent too much time trying to run my life and plan my schedules, rather than take a break and spend some time with God. I need to get back to Him. I never really left 100% b/c I still prayed, and listened/sang praise music throughout the day, but haven't actually taken time out to be w/Him one on one and read about what He has to say. I'm putting more stock in what other people tell me and the internet, instead of trusting in Him. So... Right now, I have a life, I have love (and liberty), but not a lot of happiness. :( The thing that I want right now and have wanted ever since I was little seems pretty unattainable. :-( But they'll be more on that later.
So if you stumbled across this blog, I'll try to post more, as things come to me. I hope it won't turn out to be one of those "one post wonders" that ends up on some website someplace. We'll see.
~
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