Patience

There are times when the pain is almost too much to bear. Sometimes, I’ve even found myself crying and/or getting really depressed when I see kids out with their parents. I try to suppress it. Not think about it and enjoy just being a wife and a married woman without kids to “tie me down”. As of December of this last year it’s become virtually impossible to even attempt accomplishing that feat.

I know that if I really wanted to fight for it and have kids then I could look into IVF or adoption, but I just don’t feel like that is where I should be right now for a few reasons.

First, my husband, although he thinks adoption is a good thing and a healthy alternative for a mother to pick if she doesn’t feel she can take care of the baby, doesn’t want to adopt yet because he wants to father his own children first. Adoption is something that has been casually talked about but only as a possibility after we have our own. When I brought it up as an alternative and adopting right away, he was completely against it. I really honestly think it’s because he’s scared. He says he wants kids and that we can try, but he has also said that he’s scared. In his mind it’s one thing to be a fault for screwing up your own kid, it’s a whole other thing to screw up someone else’s kid who was left in your care. So that’s why he doesn’t want to adopt yet. It’s a silly fear if you ask me but it is a thoughtful and valid concern of his.

IVF, well I don’t think we should go there yet. On one hand yes, we want kids, my heart aches when I look at our empty house. However, we’re both in our late 20’s and working. We haven’t been 100% REALLY over-attempting trying to get pregnant. I haven’t checked my temperature and measured my pee levels and documented them on a calendar so I knew at the exact moment when we should be trying. For me, that’s a little excessive and takes the “let God be God and be in control of this situation” thing right out of his hands. If you think I’m a crazy basket case now, imagine how I would be if I was doing all that. No, it’s not worth it for me right now.

I’ve prayed about it and the only response I’ve really felt I’ve gotten is “Patience.”

But how, how can I continue to be patient when the hurt only gets deeper with every month that goes by?